Linda's "Food For Thought"

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If your parents didn't have any kids chances are you won't either.

Did you ever notice: If you put the 2 words "THE" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

How do all those "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?

It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research. Every day they discover something else that causes it.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?

Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

CHEER UP!!! There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a hamstring in one of those sissy aerobics classes.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Why do hair shampoo instructions say; "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?

How is it that a woman can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto their upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, yet still be afraid of a spider?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

The world is divided into two types of people: Those who love to talk and those who hate to listen.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver & precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

In the movie 'Spiderman'. "Think how lucky Peter Parker is to have those web shooters form in his forearm instead of his ass like every other spider on the planet."

Have you ever noticed while driving your car that every one driving slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster is a maniac?

"This political correctness stuff is getting ridiculous. Today I over heard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans."

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why do banks use all that space and money to construct so many teller stations, then never have more than two or three in use?

Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live in them?

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

"It is better to have loved and lost than spend the rest of your life with an asshole."

If Pakistan and India get in a nuclear war, they all believe in reincarnation, so where's the risks?

Why do cartoon characters always wear white gloves?

If you jogged backward . . . would you gain weight?

Mental anxiety, Mental breakdowns, Menstrual cramps, Menopause... Did you ever notice how all female problems begin with MEN!

Have you ever thought that life is a car wash and you are on a bike?

Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate.

Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with mustard"

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.

Every time they bring out a new product they call it IMPROVED. Kinda makes you wonder what they were passing off on you before.

You think the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else?

Jesus is coming!! Quick, look busy!!!!

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.

When dog food has new and improved flavor, how do they know this...and who does the taste testing?

If a ram is a ram, and an ass is an ass, how come a ram in the ass is a goose?

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

You can't please everyone. But it is possible to piss 'em all off at the same time.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren't so hot either.

Sometimes being in the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

95% of all people have hemorrhoids. The other 5% are perfect assholes!

I drove by the fire department the other day, and they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your house numbers visible?" I thought, "Who the hell cares? How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

If today is the first day of the rest of your life, then what the hell was yesterday?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Due to the current economic situation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

With all the modern conveniences available, it's now possible to have a bad day and never leave the house.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next" They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

If you can't drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

D'ja ever notice those signs that read, NO DOGS ALLOWED EXCEPT FOR SEEING-EYE DOGS! Who's reading that sign? Does the dog say, "It's okay; we can go in here."

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."

Birds of a feather flock together... and then they all crap on your car.

"Christmas time is the only time of year where we sit around a dead tree eating candy out of our socks."

"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There's no pleasure worth foregoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward."

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.

When push comes to shove... somebody's gonna figure out that "push" and "shove" mean the same damn thing.

In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.

How do you explain counter-clockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch?

If we quit voting, will they all go away?

You can always tell a real friend: When you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.